During the 2016 U.S. presidential campaign, I went through some pain.  It was probably PTSD, with all the coverage of sexual assault.  It was pretty bad, but I couldn’t figure out how to write about it-something I desperately wanted to do.   Now, with the senate hearings on the confirmation of Brett Kavanaugh to the US Supreme Court, and particularly since Dr. Blasey Ford’s story of Brett Kavanaugh’s attempted rape of her in high school, I came up with this.

Inspired by the Dear Teen Me series, where writers write a letter to themselves as a teen, I thought I’d give it a try, to get me to start writing again.  I call it “Dear Myself.”

Dear Myself,

I have no agenda in writing this to you (I know that makes you think I do).  Just hear me out. It’s going to sound preachy, but it’s me.  I’m you.

You are 17 and broken inside, but you won’t be broken forever.  On the cusp of adulthood, thrust onto you way too early, you can see there is so much uncertainty in the world. And so much cruelty.  It is not your fault. There is nothing you could have done to prevent two men from drugging you and one assaulting you, while the other stood watch.  There is nothing you could have done to make your friends, who were witnesses, protect you, or even stand by you, and support you.

Intellectually, you know all of this, and you will come to believe it.  Your brokenness will serve you well in the future. You will learn to trust your “gut” more than any man’s “rational” opinion.  Because you will be right. You will learn to trust your “gut” more than what the establishment (work, law school, bosses) expects of you.  You will be right.

But, you also have to be gentle with yourself, because “fighting” the powers that be is very tiring and upsetting.  You do not need to convince anyone of who you are or that your positions are right. You are right. It is enough to believe that.  Sometimes a quiet strength is better for you than outspoken fighting.

I know you are scared, and angry.  So am I, and I’m 49. But, having quiet strength isn’t about withholding your opinions, or complaints.  It isn’t about repressing how you feel and trying to live a “happy” life because you have resolved all of your trauma; as a child of an alcoholic or a rape survivor.  Those traumas will be with you forever. I’m sorry, but you will never “get over” them. You can accept yourself though, and you will. You can start now (not in your 40’s like I did).

Though the thought itself scares you, you are not alone.  You never will be. You think you are and you believe it gives you strength to know you are alone, on your own, facing all the demons by yourself.  It doesn’t really. Being alone will make you more broken.

Your strength is in acceptance.  It doesn’t mean that you accept injustice.  It just means you come to recognize yourself, without trying to change yourself for the sake of others. Sometimes you will shout, and protest (for yourself and for others), and it will be good.  And knowing that you will be judged, and demonized, and attacked, allows you to prepare for the unfairness in your life. It will help you keep your resolve as you stand up to injustice; whether it’s personal or global.  You have a right to stand up for yourself. You have a right to express your opinion. No one is gifting that to you, it’s yours. And, you are right.

I can see I’ve already said too much, and you are getting bored with platitudes, probably rolling your eyes.  So, farewell and be well. I believe you will do great things (even if it’s after age 49).