I felt slightly melancholy dropping my kids off at school this morning.  My 3rd grader, Robert, dragging his feet, walked slowly, adjusting his backpack as he approached the regular crowd of kids chattering away as they squeezed into the front doors.  It was a bright, soft spring morning, with birds chirping and Robert was being consumed by kids rushing over concrete towards the tall brick structure they call school.  I almost lost sight of him as I pulled the car away for other parents to let their kids out. On the radio was V.V. Brown’s “Shark in the Water,” which I’m sure in reality does not relate to this situation at all.

But, it seemed Robert was surrounded by sharks at school:  curriculum constraints, teachers and their old ways (name on the board if you drop a pencil; copy the dictionary if you talk in class); endless worksheets, boring days filled up by lessons consisting of students reading from a textbook; not real interactive classroom time or fun projects.  For some reason, these mindless worksheets-and I think most parents of kids this age know what I’m talking about-weigh more heavily on Robert than his sister.  But actually, now that I think about it, Mae never had those mindless worksheets.  She and Robert both attended a Montessori school until she was entering fourth grade.  In Montessori, they generally did not have the worksheets.   By the time she was in the “regular” school, she surpassed her peers in language arts and math and somehow managed to get a pass on all the worksheets too.  Robert was not so lucky.  Although he too surpassed his peers in both reading and math, he was expected to do the worksheets and endless busy work that is often so difficult for boys.

Why is that? Why is it that at every school Robert has attended (there have been 3 in his short life); we have felt that he has not been understood or been treated unfairly?  Well, the simple answer of course is that he hasn’t been understood and he has been treated unfairly.  Why was he prohibited from reading books that were challenging for him when the same teacher had allowed his older sister to read challenging books (or books she wasn’t even capable of really reading at the time) only two years earlier? She held preconceptions about boys and girls, that’s why. Education these days is intolerant of boys and the drop out rate for boys is only increasing as a result.  From an early age, boys are told to sit still.  School is designed for children to sit at attention for long periods of time, which for many girls, is perfectly fine.  But it hurts boys.  They need to work their large motor muscles at a young age, when girls are moving on to fine motor skills.

I’ve read a lot about the education and development of boys, including “Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys” by Michael Thompson and Peg Tyre’s “The Trouble with Boys.”  Both books have enlightened me and somewhat depressed me too.   While we have an educational system that allows girls to thrive and leaves boys way behind, it’s what we have.  We as parents have to constantly advocate, for all of our children, but especially our boys.  My biggest fear is that Robert’s self confidence, innocence, and love of learning will be sucked out of him by preconceptions, assumptions and direct degradation by the school system.  He tells me now that he likes doing dictionary because he learns new words, but I know he’d rather be running around.  Robert doesn’t speak up for himself when he gets blamed unfairly, and he doesn’t explain his digressions to teachers.  Maybe it’s because when he has done so in the past, it has made little difference.  Or maybe it’s because “school” has taught him that the explanation really doesn’t matter.  The context and nuance of a situation cannot be understood in a public system where a teacher has too many worksheets to correct and test scores to worry about, along with his or her job, thanks to No Child Left Behind legislation.

It’s not all doom and gloom with school though. His school is pretty cool, they go on a lot of field trips to downtown museums, plays, and musical performances.  The kids also have quite a bit of extracurricular options, including guitar and chess club.  Unfortunately, these great things about the school might be overshadowed by the drudgery of the day as I’ve explained it, as Robert has explained it.

The best solution, as I’ve said we have come up with so far is to always be your child’s advocate.  Always listen to your child, especially when he’s not talking.  This means enduring the worksheets with him, as maddening as it is, and educating him yourself, in a way he responds to, including lots of playing.  I’m not exactly enthusiastic about museums but the joy our son gets out of those visits is immeasurable.  That is enough for me.   It isn’t easy, especially when money and time are scarce, but a walk in the park, a bike ride, working on a puzzle or playing a board game will erase all the worries about school work and grades.  And the look on his face when he’s playing and learning compared to the look on his face this morning makes it easier.  So while I was sad today, watching Robert, I feel better for him, knowing we are on his team.  I must never forget, he must never forget, we are on his team.